Romance & Relationships {An Addendum} - 3) God’s Hand & Our Heart

As I’ve been talking to friends recently about some of the issues of R&R #3 coming up in their lives, I realized that I need to clarify a few things.  There are two aspects to the formation of every romantic relationship: 1) the Lord’s sovereignty [God's hand], and 2) our choices [our heart].  You cannot exclusively operate in one or the other if you desire to walk in righteousness and wisdom in a relationship.

SOVEREIGNTY
The Lord is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).  Though this does not mean that I will be answered if I ask for a Mercedes Benz, it does mean that He is concerned with the welfare and pleasure of His children.  He loves to make us happy, but in the ultimate sense of the word instead of the temporary fix we’re used to.  The reason there are countless stories of divine “hook ups” is because they’re real.  The Lord knows who we are better than we do, and He also knows what will bring us into the greatest measure of love for Him, which are both dynamically apart of choosing a spouse.  Though there is no Scripture that says, “I shall give thee thine perfect suite-mate,” there are a multitude of Biblical testimonies of the Lord’s kindness in providinga wife, a husband, or children to those who had lost hope for such things (to name a few: Sarah’s barrenness, Isaac’s loneliness, Jacob’s loneliness, Rachel’s barrenness, both Boaz and Ruth’s loneliness, Hannah’s barrenness, and the list goes on…).  In Psalm 68:6, the Lord explicitly promises that He will set the lonely in families, so whatever expression that may take for each individual, it is nevertheless deeply on His heart.  The only way forward is to trust, pray, wait, and delight yourself in Him with whatever circumstances He’s put you under.  Bottom line–I actually believe that the Lord will provide a spouse to those who ask Him.

The other aspect of sovereignty is that there is a divine aspect to love.  Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, & 8:4 all speak of not arousing or awakening love until it so desires, and that means that love is not mostly objective.  There can be someone in your midst who simply seems perfect for you and everything “lines up” about you two (life calling, communication style, world view, personal interests, etc), but if the Lord doesn’t breathe on both of your hearts, it cannot work.  This is what the Romans would call the arrow of Cupid, we modernly refer to it as chemistry, but whatever the case it’s actually valid.  If you’ve ever instantly connected with someone and felt like you wanted to know everything about them, then you know what I’m talking about.  If both parties don’t have this happen (preferably it’s progressive instead of instantaneous), you will not be able to have a healthy relationship.  Do not try to force your heart or manipulate another’s heart to feel this; it is like trying to heat a wood stove from the outside instead of letting the fire burn within.

CHOICE
Many think that the Lord is going to force them to marry someone they don’t like or would never choose, simply to teach them humility or some horrible lesson like it.  This is a lie.  Though the Lord is sovereign in your life, He will simply put people in your path that He recommends as a future spouse and allows your heart to choose.  He is sovereign, but He does not desire to be a dictator of human affection. 

One of the reasons Paul commends singleness is to relieve those who feel the pressure of getting married, and to make them understand that it’s a bigger commitment than simple attraction.  The choice aspect of relationships is where many Christians either ignore their responsibility to take action upon what the Lord sets before them (for an extended talk on this, see #1 of this series), or they are presumptuous and don’t even bring the person/situation before Him.  We each have three basic choices in every possible relationship that should be decided by first asking a question:

1. Is it time for me to move forward into a romantic relationship unto marriage or am I just lonely?
2. Do I enjoy this person and want to be with them more than another?
3. Do I have the same vision/values as this person and respect the way I’ve seen them walk that out over the time I’ve known them?

If you’re attracted to someone, based upon how your heart of hearts answers these three questions along with some help and guidance from friends and Holy Spirit, you can actually choose to move forward into relationship unto marriage (here’s a few other tips).  This means you then walk it out over time, get to know each other and be open to find that you were wrong about being together, use wisdom and the Sermon on the Mount, and be intentional to have other people in your life who will tell you if the relationship is bad.  Your choice in the matter is crucial, for if you don’t choose then you’re not responsible (you can blame-shift your relational issues to the Lord instead of claiming the problems/pain and walking through them in righteousness).  The beauty of love is in risk-taking, and risk is only real when you don’t know what the outcome will be.  Messy is good for the sake of love, as long as it’s done with the Lord.

I hope this clarifies what I was getting at in my last post in the R&R series: it’s God’s hand that directs our lives and guards/opens our hearts, and it’s our hearts that respond and choose the way forward.

CELIBACY

It’s been somewhat humorous to me that while I’ve been writing on relationships and romance, I have at the same time been reading up on celibacy (lifelong, voluntary singleness).  This is a subject that has been on my mind for over six years now, and I feel like I’ve finally begun to make some progress with it.  It isn’t talked about much in the Protestant church, so I’ve had to delve into the wealth of experience and knowledge on the subject found in the Catholic church, but I’m really trying to get BIBLICAL clarity on the subject. 

You might say to me, “Becky, why should you care?  You’re not called to be a celibate are you?”  Most Protestants are either altogether unaware of the subject (never even considering it for anyone, much less themselves), or they are actively avoiding the subject for fear that they’ll get called to it against their will by the Lord (which mainly comes from the horrible notion that God will inevitably call us to do that which we never wanted to do with our lives).  While you and I may or may not be called to the charism of celibacy, since every believer is called to discipleship, we must have understanding to be able to impart to those who are going to walk through the journey of celibacy.

While I want to go into depth of what I have discovered on this subject (Biblically and otherwise) in further posts, I will simply begin by attempting to cast some vision for celibacy itself, just to begin stirring the pot.  This is a quote from the real deal, a celibate writing on celibacy (don’t get confused by the use of the word “virginity” -  it’s being used synonymously with celibacy in respect to 1 Corinthians 7):

“The idea of viginity is not very popular in the worldly world.  What was formerly referred to as a woman’s honor has in the erotomania of our day become almost a dishonor.  It is often considered as a deprivation at best, an illness at worst.  Nonetheless we shall in these pages retain the biblical word virginity with not the least apology for it.  Because the tern designates a primal, unspoiled, total readiness for one Beloved, there is no reason why we should allow the secular mind to co-opt a beautiful reality, reduce it to a mere physical condition, and then proceed to denigrate what it does not understand.  Evangelical virginity is always a consecrated freshness, a complete self-gift to the Beloved…

“Celibacy is seen by almost everyone as a surrender, a giving up of “sex” and marraige.  Even those who attribute to it a positive finality, think that it itself is nothing more than denying the sexual side of one’s personality, the physical expression of that side.  Second, in our imaginary survey no one thought of celibacy as being in love with God, an eminently fulfilling, joy-bringing way of life, a new way of loving of men and women warmly and humanly… Few people suspect the beauty of gospel virginity.”

In this series, we will survey several aspects of celibacy:

• Biblical precedent
• Marriage vs. Celibacy
• Historical precedent (men and women on fire)
• Glories and pitfalls
• Discerning your call: practical steps forward
• Helping others in the journey

Romance & Relationships - 3) It’s God’s hand & our heart

As we end this series on romance & relationships, let’s review the three over-generalized keys presented to healthy interpersonal relationships:

1) A free (honest/truthful/pure) motivation is the key
2) Confrontation is necessary and God given
3) It’s God’s hand & our heart

We now come to the place where most Christians try to begin their journey of understanding godly relationships - the Lord’s soveriegnty.  Yet, my goal in this post is to clarify what I meant by my statement in my first post that “the one” does not exist.  I will grit my teeth and clench my fists to stand firmly by this statement, but it does need to be qualified.

First of all, let me state that I do NOT mean to say: the Lord is not concerned about who we marry, or that there is no chance we will find a spouse that is better for us than any other person in the world, or that we are destined to always question whether the life covenant we make was from the Lord, or that God doesn’t set people up, or that it is solely our choice and Jesus leaves us to figure it out. 

There are two main aspects to the Lord’s involvement in our search for a spouse: a) the counsel of the Lord and His intimate commitment to seeing us find the best life partner out there, and b) the real decisions we choose based upon the wisdom that He gives and the desires of our hearts.  In every arena of life, there is a felt tension in this because it is messier and more painful than blaming things/putting responsibility on either the Lord’s overpowering force of will or entirely on our own  choices, but this is reality.   It’s God’s hand and our heart: His sovereignty, our free will; His advice, our decision; His commitment to us, our commitment to Him.  Let me break this down a little.

A) We have a good Father who knows us well, and it is His hand that is ruling over our lives.  He sees every desire of our heart (both good and bad), which means that He knows more than any other what we want and need in life.  He is much more concerned about our welfare than we are.  This means that we actually have to seek Him and listen to Him in every arena of our lives before Him, which definitely includes relationships. 

We should be talking to Him about that certain person we’re interested in much more than we talk to friends or family.  He has set up our lives so that they will not work unless we come to Him.  PRAY about your future spouse in a general way (”Lord, this is what I ask for in a spouse”), as well as a specific way (”Father, what do You think about Marcy?”; “Lord, give me wisdom of how to interact with Jack”; “Jesus, I really like Susan, but I don’t know if she likes me - what should I do?”; “Lord, if Jacob would not be right for me, I ask that you would take this attraction towards him out of my heart”).  He is so zealous to see you with a good spouse.  You do not need to worry that you will never find the right person, as long as you are leaning into Him (prayer/listening) and taking initiative in time and space (active participation and pursuit of a relationship with someone).

Now, it is helpful here to mention a common reality in the body of Christ around the subject of marraige (especially among more charismatic Christians): dreams and inclinations.  Personally, I have had several of my guy friends have dreams and words from the Lord about me being their wife, and I too have had dreams and impressions about marrying this person or that.  I know of some healthy marriages that have been established through prophetic insight, and I also know of many people who have been significantly hurt and disillusioned by this practice.  The best way to understand any prophetic activity around the subject of relationships is that it is the Lord’s counsel, not His command.  Just as a good father has an opinion about his daughter’s choice of a husband, so the Lord does as our Good Father.  He will give us advice through prophetic activity that we have to then walk out with discernment in the Sermon on the Mount.  If you have a dream about Susy, it probably means that your Father in heaven is saying to you, “Susy would be a good option for you.  What do you think of her?”  Just as He gave Adam the decision of what to name the animals in the Garden and eventually what to call his wife, so He gives us a real decision in the midst of presenting us with good things. 

Some practicals with prophetic activity:

1. DON’T tell the person about your dream or word from the Lord - if they don’t love you without prophetic persuasion, they won’t love you with it.
2. Hold your words lightly, just as you would a suggestion from your close friend.  Although you may feel the Spirit moving on your heart, you must give room for it to grow into a real decision instead of a momentary passion.
3. Be as wise and godly with the situation as you would if the Lord had not told you about this person.  The word of the Lord is no excuse to throw common sense to the wind.
4. Actually act upon it (don’t just ignore it and put it on the shelf).  Instead of thinking, “Boy, that was weird that I had a dream about marrying Susy.  I should probably stay away from that…” instead, try to be cordial to Susy and see if you could actually be interested in her.
5. Remember that the other person IS A REAL PERSON and not the fulfillment of your prophetic destiny or the answer to all that you’ve been hoping for.  Don’t be selfish in your love, and don’t be idealistic in your approach.

B) The second aspect is a little trickier because “the heart is more deceitful than all else.”  The Lord truly gives us the privilege of choosing who we will be yoked to in this life.  He will not command us to marry someone we think is horrid, just to teach us humility.  He desires that we would be lead by love in this life, not by obligation.  He wants us to fall in love with someone so madly that we desire to give all for them and serve them willingly (Song of Solomon 8:7). 

Marriage is the picture the Lord has given us of the relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33).  If our marriage is one that is based upon staunch obedience rather than on ardent desire, we will never be able to express His love for the Bride (Hosea 2:16).  He laid down His life willingly for the joy of being with her (John 17:24-26; Hebrews 12:2).

Therefore, just as the Lord Himself will only take love that is freely recieved and freely given, so too we must actually choose to receive and give love with our future spouse.  This does not mean that you give love without it being asked for, but it does mean that you will have to give of yourself when you are unsure of things and that you will most likely be hurt at some point.  For practicals on this point, please see post #1.

Wasted Life

Recently, I’ve been thinking about the glorious reality of the ‘wasted life’ again, so since I don’t have time at all to write about it, I thought I’d repost a blog from August 31st, 2007:

For three hours today I got to listen and discuss the foundation of night & day prayer, which I like to call ‘The Wasted Life.’ Stephen Venable is the one who did most of the talking (since he lives and breathes this reality), so here’s a snippet from some of his thoughts,

“The testimony of heaven is that Christ is worthy of all glory, honor, and affection. This truth concerning the One that sets the angels aflame stands at the center of night and day prayer and all expressions of love for Him. The beauty of His mercy and majesty begets love in our soul, and we are compelled to abandon ourselves to radical selflessness in order that He might be adored incessantly. We must find our strength and resolve outside of ourselves and within the consuming beauty of Jesus Christ - He is our portion and reward. (Numbers 18:20) All that is lovely and comely originates in Him, the perfection and consummation of all beauty. When His ineffable worth strikes us, no sacrifice seems unreasonable.

“Such vehement love appears to be a waste to others only because they cannot perceive His beauty. In stark contrast to the awe-struck angels and enraptured saints in the cloud of witnesses, on the earth Christ is largely forgotten, mocked, ignored, and despised. When He is revealed and all eyes see His splendor, the wisdom of devotion will be vindicated. Yet now, in this age of waiting, to throw our lives into expressions of love that cause us natural loss appear absurd on the surface…

“As we give ourselves to this occupation [night and day prayer], there are no eyes watching our act of service and no one to applaud our devotion. It is in relative silence and hiddenness that we spend our strength in groaning and tears, loving One we cannot see and pleading to Him on behalf of those we will never know and who will never repay us. As in the story of Jesus’ anointing [by Mary of Bethany], the Church looks upon the offering of love in night and day worship and views it as a misuse of time, money, and resource. The day will come when tens of thousands will be gathered to Kansas City and the cities of the earth and many will be indignant because all of those people could be sharing the gospel, feeding the poor, or training other believers…

“As stated above, the testimony of heaven is that God is worthy of incessant adoration and ceaseless praise. Night and day prayer is inevitable when the saints on the earth acquire a living, consuming conviction of His immeasurable worth.”

Relationships & Romance - 2) Confrontation is necessary and God given

1) A free (honest/truthful/pure) motivation is the key
2) Confrontation is necessary and God given
3) It’s God’s hand & our heart

Okay, so if you’re just joining us on this discussion about one of the most pertinent and reoccurring topics to a young adult movement, please take the time to read the previous posts under “Amateur Sociology” and get caught up.  We’re now on our second aspect: healthy confrontation.  Please note that confrontation does not mean heated or hard interaction, but “communication that deliberately pressures or invites another to self-examine some aspect of behaviour in which there is a discrepancy between self-reported and observed behaviour.”

There is an innate fear in every human heart to embrace that which is painful–it is entirely contrary to our natural instincts.  Yet, all relationships are made firm through conflict, whether that be external or internal.  I once learned from a very wise man that there are three stages to relationship: discovery, conflict, and partnership.  This applies to all kinds of relationships, whether they be familial, friendships, work-related, romantic, or whatever else there is.  However, in our context I will examine this principle with a romantic lens.

When you first meet someone you’re interested in (please refer to #1 for more on this), you have a long period of time that you get to discover who they are.  This season is crucial for a healthy relationship to come forth, and can be very short or very long, depending on how much time and in what kind of contexts you’re getting to know the person.  In this stage, you are simply becoming fascinated with the interests, mannerisms, beliefs, life-processes, etc of the other and may be quite oblivious to anything negative.

This will not and should not last forever.  There will inevitably come a point at which there is a breakdown in communication or a misunderstanding or a hard situation that brings in the element of pain into one or both hearts.  At this point, the one experiencing the pain has two options–either he/she can choose to leave the issue to work itself out (which is not likely to happen, due to the fact that the only way people can work things out is when they are aware there’s a problem) or bring up the matter in a non-accusatory way to walk through the process of making the relationship grow.  The point is, conflict does not have to be something you dread if you learn to walk through it together–it is acutally a much freer way to live if you know that the person you are pursuing a relationship with is going to tell you when there’s a problem.

Let me make this more tangible… Let’s say that you are hanging out with someone of the opposite sex in a consistent and extended way, even possibly sharing with them things that are quite near to your heart.  You may realize that you are moving beyond the state of your normal friendships, yet you aren’t sure whether they are actually interested in you as more than a friend.  At this point, the issue must be addressed.  It is not wise or integrous to continue to advance in intimacy without the safety and boundaries of commitment.  As a woman, if you realize you’re at this point, you either need to ask for definition/intention or (if you do not want to advance into a romantic relationship) intentionally withdraw to whatever degree necessary.  For guys, you have to man-up at this point and actually clarify the relationship.  Whether the clarification is that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship (at which point there would be pain for her and an intentional change of interaction) or that you desire to move forward into a committal relationship (which means that you’re going to have to be willing to be vulnerable to the option that she would say ‘no’), it must be walked out.

But what if you (man or woman) are getting to know someone and find that you’re very interested in having a dating relationship with them, yet you are unsure if you could see yourself marrying them?  This should not keep you from doing the aforementioned steps.  If a dating relationship comes forth, you must be sure that you let that person know on the front-end the hesitation you’re feeling (though it may be an awkward damper to excited romantic notions).  If the cards are laid on the table as the commitment is made, it is much easier to walk things out in reality together.  That way, you are not second-guessing yourself nor trying to deny the true issues of your heart that need to be dealt with.

If you’re in a dating relationship, there are so many areas of brokenness that have to be overcome, since we are broken people.  I just want to name a few major ones that can really determine the way things turn out (not whether you’ll ‘make it’ or not, but whether it is healthy or not).  Physical and emotional boundaries are something that must be addressed and upheld; if you are feeling your boundaries violated it is imperative that you speak out against it, for you will not be able to respect or trust the other person otherwise.  Many times, they will not even know that you’re not comfortable with certain things because people have different concepts of what is and isn’t okay to talk about or do.  They may or my not be completely innocent in it and it may be very awkward or embarrassing to address, but you must if you desire to move forward in your heart in a healthy manner.  On the other side of things, you may feel as though the person is not even pursuing an increase of intimacy with you on those levels and that they simply don’t care, but likely this is not the case.  Again, you must talk to the person, letting them know that you do not feel engaged at the level you desire and giving them real tools to move forward.  All of this needs to be under the counsel and eyes of the Lord as well as godly friends who can give you sound wisdom.

Our last example would be if you’re in a dating/courting relationship and you realize that it is not the best thing for both of you to move forward into marriage.  The questions of how to know this are far bigger and more subjective than can be addressed in this little post, but if that person is not the ultimate choice in your eyes (there’s no one you would rather be with) it is not godly to continue growing closer and more committed.  In this situation, you must have the courage to end the relationship.  It actually takes strength and much wisdom from the Lord to know how and when to do this and thus prayer is vital.  It will hurt you both to follow-through with the breakup, but in the end you both will be very grateful.  The other option is dishonorable to both parties, for to string someone along for the sake of avoiding pain is only going to knit your hearts deeper and deeper until the final break is worse than the initial, or until you follow-through with marrying someone that you’re not madly and incandescently in love with.

As we take this journey into relationship with other broken people, it is so crucial that we accept confrontation as a gift instead of a curse, for without it we would not have to grow in humility or lean on the Lord for wisdom and strength.  Instead of shying away from issues, we must develop the skill and love to walk through them under the leadership of the Lord.